Views

How you sound to your wife when you’re not in tune with her feelings.

Each of us is a unique expression of God with a unique vibrational signature that drives our perception. Most of us believe that the way we view things is the right way to view things because that’s how we view them. This is a classic example of lower-minded egoism.

Viewpoint chauvinism is responsible for most of the conflict throughout human history. We’ve been having the same basic argument with each other since God expelled us from paradise: “I’m right. Therefore, you’re wrong.”

As Presence awakens, we develop awareness of others’ points of view and become more empathetic and forgiving.

We also gradually accept that the only people receptive to hearing our viewpoints are those with similar views and those who express genuine curiosity about them. If someone is interested in hearing our viewpoints, they’ll ask. If they don’t ask, it signals they’re not in a place where they can hear us. Most of the time, it’s best to listen, stay present, and be open to being open.

We should resist the urge to take it personally that most people are too invested in their viewpoints to be open to other perspectives. It’s not personal, it’s vibrational. 

Attempting to persuade others to see things our way is futile and a massive energy drain that severs our connection to Source. Defensiveness is spiritual quicksand. The more we fight for our viewpoints, the deeper we sink into negativity. Resisting the impulse to defend our viewpoints frees up loving Presence that energizes us with the power to rise up from the sunken place.

Jesus points to this Truth in the Book of Matthew, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”

When we humbly surrender the need to be right, the people around us tend to follow our lead, and we team up to co-create harmony instead of negativity.  

Negativity is always rooted in the past or the future. By consciously practicing being present, we develop awareness that staying negative has no useful purpose and is unintelligent. As Presence takes root, we develop intelligent solutions to problems instead of backsliding into negativity. 

∞

Even though I know there’s no value in defending my views, I still do it all the time, especially when I’m denying someone’s request. I’m a people pleaser, and I don’t like saying no. Saying no makes me feel like I’m letting folks down and that I’m the bad guy. I also get off on being a provider.

It’s megaduper hard for me to say no to my wife. My wife, bless her heart, is an emotional human being who pouts when she doesn’t get her way. She’s really good at it, too, so good that I experience fear that she’ll deny me her love and intimacy if I stick to my “no” guns. I know this is silly, but it still happens.

It happened the other day when she invited me on a trip I didn’t want to go on. My wife sensed my skepticism when making her ask, and, as if on command, she scrunched up her nose, quivered her lips, and opened her eyes wide like a kitty kat’s as her face melted into a pre-emptive pout. Like a conditioned canine, I launched into a pragmatic PowerPoint presentation supporting my defense for why I thought the trip wasn’t the right thing to do.

Defensiveness comes from a place of fear, which is a negatively vibrating emotion. Fear is literally repulsive and unattractive, and the more defensive I got, the more unattractive I became to my wife. How she treated me mirrored my unattractiveness, and before long, she was yelling and interrupting me every third word. 

Our conversation had reached the point of diminishing returns, and I hastily retreated as my wife tossed mean missiles in my direction while I hightailed it out the door for a chronic break. 

The fresh air gave me some perspective and helped me see my mistake. My wife was super hype about the trip and had probably been building herself up all day to talk to me about it. I should have known that no matter how I broke down the breakdown behind the logic supporting my rationale, at the end of the day, I was the “bad guy saying no.” Feelings are real, and they matter. There was nothing I could do or say to persuade her to see things my way in that moment. The more I explained, the more unattractive—the more unloving—I became. To her, I sounded like a grownup on Charlie Brown, only way more annoying.

The loving thing to do in that moment wasn’t to be defensive. Instead, it was to empathize with my wife, tell her I understood she wanted to go on the trip, ask a couple of thoughtful questions, and STFU. I would have known what to do had I been fully present, but I was too wrapped up in my egoic fears to see things from her perspective.

When I got back from my hang with Mr. Green, my wife was calm (perhaps from talking things over with her friend, MJ), and I shared that I was open to being open about the trip, but didn’t think now was the right time. I stopped talking, she sensed my love and sincerity, and we moved on. She’ll probably come around to seeing things my way on this one. I often come around and see things her way. Most of the time, we meet somewhere in the middle. This is usually how it goes with us when we’re fully present and not in a fearful state. 

We can speak our truths without being defensive or mean by staying present and putting love first.